You Look So Precious With Your Bloody Nose

Yesterday was the one-month anniversary of my friend The Rake's 26th birthday. For my birthday, he very thoughtfully sent me a hand-made stamp of a t-rex walking over my full name. Since he likes his birthday to be celebrated in a very public way (one year going so far as to set up a blog exclusively about his birthday), I thought I would honor him by quoting six of my favorite passages from his blog. Twenty-six would just be ridiculous.

"Once I hit my stride, [blog posts] should get progressively shorter, until you start seeing entries like 'Went to London, knighted by Queen. Sat next to guy I thought was Pete Townshend on train. Won't get fooled again.'"

"I've thought up some ideas for the inscription on my memorial in Westminster. I don't need a tomb. That would just be arrogant. All I want is a floor tile big enough to stick my ashes under. I think the inscription will either be 'He had a nice lunch' or 'Wish you were here'. Or 'Please jump on me'."

"Cathedrals do what they're designed to do. I couldn't keep my eyes off the stained-glass window depicting Jesus' crucifiction. When I did manage to look away, I invariably craned my neck to look at the enormous vaulted ceiling. It dwarfed the few hundred parishioners inside. The stone columns were magnificent, if the whole structure was a bit foreboding. Small wonder medieval people feared God. He's not home right now, but if this is his house, you know he must be huge."

"What do other people think about in church? .... Do other people actually contemplate the mysteries of God and the promise of eternal life, or do they just compile mental shopping lists? '...and give us this day our daily-- That reminds me, I need to pick up a loaf on the way home. Otherwise I can't make sandwiches for Katie's lunch tomorrow. And we're out of ham-- and the power, and the glory, forever. Amen.'"

"I wanted my program back. I darted across the street after it. Sensing that I was closing in, it attempted to duck down a side street, but it was stopped by the shoulder of a surprised tourist. Defeated, it fell to the base of another rubbish bin, where I stamped a foot on it and thrust it into my pack. (Don't you even think about running off like that again, young man.)"

"The new editor isn't as passionate as the editor during my entire year and a half at the paper. I don't hold that against him. Who could have [the latter's] energy and dedication? The man could talk a herd (pack? group?) of zebras into an alligator-infested stream, then persuade the alligators not to bite. [The former] would be standing on the opposite shore yelling at the zebras to hurry."

Me and the Rake, 2006. 

Moments after that picture was taken, he broke his own nose. Anyway, Happy Birthday!